That Terrible Alone Feeling...

I've had one of those days. And my husband has been moved to a camp in Afghanistan where he can't call home anymore. UGH. Anyway, I feel the need to vent so if you are feeling grumpy, lonely, sad and don't want to hear my whining, here is your chance to click the little "X" in the upper right hand corner.

Today has been one of the most frustrating days and I think it stems from this morning. I haven't felt this alone since my husband left 8 weeks ago and I was panicked. Most of you know that I work. Pharmacists work weird hours and so conventional daycare doesn't work for us. This generally means that we need to find a reliable babysitter and that involves quite a process. So I get here to Killeen and dug in and hired my sitter. Things have gone relatively well. There are always a few hiccups at first, but mostly it's been good. Well, until today. She didn't show up. It was the 2nd time she hasn't been on time so I decided to call to see if she overslept. Well she didn't answer. She didn't answer x 2. PANIC! My shift started in 20 minutes. I am not supposed to be late. It's so rude and unprofessional. It's against policy. It's all of these things and it's even more disgraceful that a pharmacist is the one who is late. ARGH. I didn't even know who to call. I started packing a diaper bag for Aaron and figured I would try to ask for a favor from a friend, but I never want my kids to be someone else's burden. It's my responsiblity to take care of them. But I was going to have to do something and quick. My employment is on the line when it comes to stuff like this and I was feeling like a complete failure. The system that I had worked out has failed and my Plan B wasn't really in place. (I obviously need to work on Plan B.)

She finally called. She showed up here 2 minutes after my shift started. I sheepishly went to work after calling the guy I was relieving and apologized. But now I can't shake this feeling that I am alone in all of this and that I am letting my kids down in some way.

It's probably stupid. It's not like someone died or anything terrible honestly. It just brought up all those feelings that I've squashed for the past 8 weeks. I feel like I lost all of the control that I had on the situation and I don't like this feeling at all. I know I am not the first working mom with a deployed husband. Someone please tell me to get off the pity party wagon and suck it up.

I'm sure this is just the first of many bad days over the course of a year. I'm sure that if I'm half as intelligent as I am supposed to be that I will figure something out to fix this. But in the meantime, you'll find me sulking and whining like a great big baby...

Growing Up! First Haircut!

Aaron is growing up so fast! His hair was over his ears so I decided that it was time... time for the first haircut. With summer upon us and a little boy who thinks that he should wash his hands in his hair, I was tired of trying to comb the tangles out.







Since I had no one to wield the camera, there is only one shot of us in the chair, but at least there is one!

Brothers May 2009

My Aaron

Oh my sweet baby is slowly, but surely, growing into a little boy. It's so bittersweet for me since he's going to be my last baby. Some days I wish I could bottle up his infanthood to keep forever. Just the baby smell and the way he cuddles up on my chest. Aaron is saying Mama pretty well these days and is not afraid to yell it when he wants me. He is totally in love with his big brother. He watches him with wonder and awe. Ian loves that he has such an admirer and is always sharing things with "Baby Aaron."

My Ian

Ian is such a vibrant little boy. He's so sweet and usually very kind, though he's had his moments in the past few weeks where his not so nice side has shown it's ugly head. But for the most part, he's a smart, funny and sweet kid. I can't believe he's 3.5 years old already. How did this happen? Today we went to get his pictures taken (along with his brother) and he posed as he always has. He's so funny. I told him to be a model! He complied!





Ian constantly picks me flowers and says "I wuv you, Mommy!" and gives me hugs. Tonight I had to take both boys grocery shopping. Ian was quite a big helper. The only thing he wanted to buy was flowers for me. Walmart had their Mother's Day flowers on discount (5 dollars for a dozen roses) so I let him pick some out. He was so happy to get Mommy some pretty flowers. When we got home, he carried them in proudly and I got them into a vase. I put them on the mantle and he's so happy that he can see the flowers that he picked out for Mommy.

OH MY! I am SOOOO SPOILED!!

Total shock!!! My husband spoiled me so much! Thank goodness Stephanie came over and found this on my porch or I would have never known it was there. I guess it couldn't have been received on a better day since today IS my anniversary and today IS Mother's Day!

Thank you, Bill! You spoil me too much!

2 Reasons To Celebrate, One Blessed Day!

Two reasons, you say? You probably figure that I am blogging about being the mother to 2 amazing boys and that they are my 2 reasons to celebrate. Well they are only 1/2 of the 2. The other is my wonderful husband! Today marks our 6th wedding anniversary. As I would have had it, we wouldn't have been married on May 10th. But as it turned out, wait I mean as the Army would have it, we were unable to keep the July 12th date as we originally planned because of an impending deployment. So when we scrambled to find a date, the only one available was Mother's Day weekend because no else wanted to marry the same weekend that honors mothers. As it works out, it's nearly perfect! How do families begin? With mothers and fathers who get married and promise to love, honor and cherish each other all the days of their lives. Their promises before God to live as one and to be fruitful and multiply are how I actually now have the honor to celebrate Mother's Day as well.

So six years ago today, I was a blushing bride. It was a glorious day of tornadoes and thunder storms, wedding vows, family and friends, and the promise of a wonderful future together. I got married in the church with my 3 best friends standing beside me and my husband in front of me. Everyone who was important to me was there in spite of the weather and when the ceremony was over, the sun came out so full and radiant that there was a rainbow! You see promises were everywhere!




The past few years have passed in a blink. My husband deployed in July of that year and was gone for a year on a deployment. When he returned, we moved to South Carolina, had a son and watched with wonder as we learned to be parents.

(Ian Curtis 11/06/05)



Another PCS to us to Florida where we were blessed with another son and here I am today in Texas surrounded by 2 wonderful little boys that I am entrusted to raise to know God and to become good men like their father. Each day I look into the eyes of my children and now know a little more about how my mother felt about my brother and me.

(Aaron William 7/14/08)



Being a wife and mother has only changed me for the better. I celebrate today with my husband who is across the sea working to help keep everyone in this country free. I celebrate with my children the honor of being their mother. But mostly I thank God for giving these wonderful people to enrich my life. I am truly blessed beyond measure.

Happy Anniversary, Bill! I love you so very much. Thank you for everything that you have provided me and the boys with over the past years. Thank you for being my constant friend and confidant. Thank you for being my husband and for being such a great father to my children. Without you, I wouldn't get to celebrate this wonderful day as your wife or as a mother to our boys! I miss you, but I know that you are thinking of us in the same way that we are thinking of you. Be safe!


(Mother's Day 2009)