That Terrible Alone Feeling...

I've had one of those days. And my husband has been moved to a camp in Afghanistan where he can't call home anymore. UGH. Anyway, I feel the need to vent so if you are feeling grumpy, lonely, sad and don't want to hear my whining, here is your chance to click the little "X" in the upper right hand corner.

Today has been one of the most frustrating days and I think it stems from this morning. I haven't felt this alone since my husband left 8 weeks ago and I was panicked. Most of you know that I work. Pharmacists work weird hours and so conventional daycare doesn't work for us. This generally means that we need to find a reliable babysitter and that involves quite a process. So I get here to Killeen and dug in and hired my sitter. Things have gone relatively well. There are always a few hiccups at first, but mostly it's been good. Well, until today. She didn't show up. It was the 2nd time she hasn't been on time so I decided to call to see if she overslept. Well she didn't answer. She didn't answer x 2. PANIC! My shift started in 20 minutes. I am not supposed to be late. It's so rude and unprofessional. It's against policy. It's all of these things and it's even more disgraceful that a pharmacist is the one who is late. ARGH. I didn't even know who to call. I started packing a diaper bag for Aaron and figured I would try to ask for a favor from a friend, but I never want my kids to be someone else's burden. It's my responsiblity to take care of them. But I was going to have to do something and quick. My employment is on the line when it comes to stuff like this and I was feeling like a complete failure. The system that I had worked out has failed and my Plan B wasn't really in place. (I obviously need to work on Plan B.)

She finally called. She showed up here 2 minutes after my shift started. I sheepishly went to work after calling the guy I was relieving and apologized. But now I can't shake this feeling that I am alone in all of this and that I am letting my kids down in some way.

It's probably stupid. It's not like someone died or anything terrible honestly. It just brought up all those feelings that I've squashed for the past 8 weeks. I feel like I lost all of the control that I had on the situation and I don't like this feeling at all. I know I am not the first working mom with a deployed husband. Someone please tell me to get off the pity party wagon and suck it up.

I'm sure this is just the first of many bad days over the course of a year. I'm sure that if I'm half as intelligent as I am supposed to be that I will figure something out to fix this. But in the meantime, you'll find me sulking and whining like a great big baby...