Wow! The past couple of days have been tough. Who am I kidding? This past year has been tough, but these past few days have been especially hard.
Right now I am on that roller coaster of waiting. Waiting for the word of when Bill is coming home. First it was Monday the 26th. I was all set for that and they moved it up to Saturday the 24th at 2245. Late, but early compared to the 26th that they originally said. Now it's the 30th at 0515. This puts a big wrench in my schedule with work, etc. I thought I had planned my days off to give that 5 or 6 day window buffer. Of course, it got pushed back to the day I am to return to work and through the weekend. So I am having to scramble a bit.
This brings me to my crossroad. It's one that I could use some prayer warriors on. Which direction do I turn? Which option is best? How do I handle this? What are the consequences? What are the pros and what are the cons of each option?
This year undoubtedly has been the single most stressful, emotional, hard year of my entire life. Trying to maintain a balance between home life and work life, motherhood and legal drug dealer, and all around general well being of everyone and every aspect of my life. I got a wake up call yesterday. A very unpleasant wake up call. And anyone who knows me and knows me well knows that I don't half do much of anything and that I generally give 100% of myself in everything I do. Well, I am finding in spite of my efforts, I am definitely not making the mark. In nearly 15 years at the same company I have never had the conversation that I was called in to have yesterday. The boss was kind. He wasn't anywhere near out of line. Everything that was said was justified. In all fairness, I don't have an argument for any of it. And the excuses, well there is never one that erases the mistakes in a job that calls for 100% perfection 100% of the time. We all strive for it. None of us quite get there, but most of us get close. Well, in the past few months my near perfection has waned. And being called in to reflect upon why that has happened has really been a punch in the gut. A needed punch, no doubt. No one likes making mistakes. I take each one and ponder it. I am my worst critic for sure, but this conversation really brought things to a head for me.
A few weeks ago I was stressed as I have been and let it get the best of me. I called the boss. I got given a mandatory vacation. And at the time it seemed like maybe they were hearing me and just maybe things would get better. Well, it seems like some problems are gone, but the major ones are still there. And exacerbating these situations are my own personal life stressors from outside of the work environment. Fatigue, emotionally drained, trying to do everything and making a muck of a lot of it. I've failed and that's a hard pill to swallow. But part of me feels like I've been set up for failure and just delivered. It was only a matter of time and it finally happened. Not a great excuse when we are talking about people's lives if you know what I mean.
So anyway, I am now posed with this terrible dilemma. First off, do I just quit? Give it up totally and concentrate on my family which really is the most important. The pros of this is that a lot of the responsibility and stress will be gone. The kids will have me home all the time and no worries as to who is picking up whom. No babysitters required on a weekly basis. And the list goes on. The cons are that if you don't use it, you typically lose it especially in a progressive profession. It also means giving up 15 years of tenure in a job that I really enjoyed. (past tense). 5 years and 100,000 dollar education laying around idle. Do I risk becoming obsolete and out of touch? Do I take the chance that there will be a job for me in the future when I am ready to go back?
Second, do I stay on? Do I hold out for our next PCS and wait until we move somewhere in which the environmental stressors aren't so pronounced? In towns like this one where everyone is transient it makes it a lot more stressful to work. It also doens't help when you have support staff that don't do their jobs well. They can barely handle basic responsibilities, in my opinion. Lack of training and lack of motivation abound. And I am caught in this bad situation that doesn't seem to be going anywhere, but does that merit a resignation? Do you quit over an environment when before you really enjoyed the job? Do you deal with a temporary lack of enjoyment for the potential of longevity and a continued sense of contribution to the community once we leave this place?
Third, do I ask for provision of taking on less work shifts and trying to cut my schedule? Do I beg for a reduction in hours even though it may make me look like a cry baby or someone who is spoiled? Do I even bother? Is it unprofessional?
I find myself dealing with this torture. Giving up something that I loved, but am not enjoying at all these days. And the wake up call just really put it all in my face.
I spoke to my husband and for the first time in a long time, I feel like he is giving me his blessing in whatever I decide. But I also find that he's a little less emotionally involved in it and he has given me some things to think about. In the past he has encouraged me to continue working. Not for money, but for my self esteem. For my sense of independence and for the sake of me being able to feel like I am making a difference. But I think I have lost myself somewhere along the way. I used to really look forward to working. I used to thrive on being good at something. I have always felt like an inferior mother, but felt like I was a pretty decent pharmacist. Now I feel like I am failing at both.
